"Maybe she doesn't require as much as you do.", he said. In disbelief, I replied "But I never asked for anything."
I've heard it all before. My drive, ambition, and unwavering determination can be intimidating. There's that word. Even though I don't typically shout out a list of my accomplishments, unless of course I'm in an interview answering the "So tell me about yourself." request. How does a man even know how much I do or don't require?
Someone told me, "Well you don't have to list your accomplishments Morgan, many of them are evident; and anyone that is looking at you, can tell that they can't just present you with any old thing in life. If they don't think they can make you happy. Well...they just won't choose you. They will desert you. Its them, not you." However true these statements may be, acceptance is almost impossible.
Its funny to hear someone else's perception of me because I really just think of myself as regular, over-thinking, anxiety-having, people-pleasing, shy (but not shy), struggling to make it, Morgan. I honestly, don't think of myself as any more special than the next woman. Sure I may have experienced things that someone else hasn't. I may have things that others don't , but I'm sure someone else can say the same.
However, the words of men explain that because of the greatness that they see I am "too much" I expect too much. I do too much. I require too much. An ex boyfriend once told me that "The type of guy you want does not exist." It's pretty hard not to believe him at this point.
So often, we get writers and speakers talking to us about faith after they've gone through whatever challenge they've overcome. We very rarely hear from them during the struggle. They tell you the story about how they kept pushing, and thought they would never make it, and then BOOM! -- in the end everything worked out for the best.
Me, I keep waiting for the moment that I'm able to share that kind of triumph. The time when all of this faith I struggle to muster everyday seems worth it. In the meantime, I fight with every minute of every day so that I won't believe the very believable lie that I am in fact destined to be deserted.
Because people innately choose the easy way out; Because they would rather coast through life merely existing; Because most of the world has learned that it is okay to be mediocre, the vast majority will never try to live up to their full potential. Some don't have a clue what their full potential really is. These are the mates that we have to choose from or in my case be turned down by.
So as the 35, single and childless woman who doesn't know how to shrink so others can feel big, who loves herself way too much to settle, who has been through her fair share of immense disappointments and let downs, I still refuse to give up.
With a broken heart, tears in my eyes, and the feeling of hopelessness that never seems to relent, somewhere, deep down inside (and I do mean really deep) I still believe that its all a lie. I don't have to shrink myself in order to be accepted. I don't have to NEED a partner in order to have a partner. My standards are not too high. My tolerance level is not too low. I am not destined to be deserted.
Greater is coming.
Photography: Mia Greene, Greene Eye Photography, @greeneeyephotography
Make up: Toya Mckay, Makeup Myself Club , @makeupmyselfclub
Hair: Kimistre Hair Salon, @mystylistkimistre